How social media can help wreck a home
Updated: Tuesday, 26 Feb 2013, 10:29 PM EST
Published : Tuesday, 26 Feb 2013, 9:46 PM EST
Published : Tuesday, 26 Feb 2013, 9:46 PM EST
FORT WAYNE, Ind. (WANE) - Recent surveys estimate Facebook is now playing a role in at least a fifth of U.S divorces and may be a factor in up to a third of divorces . With that in mind, and in the hopes that their story will serve as a lesson for others, one couple in northeast Indiana decided to share how social media contributed to the shattering of their marriage.
Jeff and Denise, who asked not to have their faces shown or last names revealed in our TV interview, got married 12 and a half years ago. The early years, they say, were happy. But in 2009, Jeff -consumed with starting a small business- was working long hours, and problems began to emerge.
"For me, it was the intimacy and the relationship in the bedroom," said Jeff. "It just wasn't there at all. Once a month, if lucky."
Denise added, "There was lack of communication there, too. In a sense, we both went our separate ways. He worked a lot and I was working also and taking care of the kids and taking care of the house, so time together was not there."
About this time, Jeff was reconnecting on Facebook with a woman he'd known in high school.
"You felt like you could tell this woman things you couldn't tell your wife?" NewsChannel 15 asked. "Absolutely," Jeff responded.
"Because that part of your life at this point was shut down?"
"Yeah. I think it's human nature to look back and say 'What if ?'," Jeff continued. "And that's how it progressed. And it just clicked and started going in a direction that it never should have gone."
Two to three months after the chatting started, it had turned into an emotional affair. Though the adultery had not yet turned physical, Jeff and the other woman did start meeting in person, and the attraction only grew stronger. Within weeks, Jeff decided to divorce Denise.
Jeff remembered breaking the news to his wife. "We just sat in here and I told her I was done. I [could not] continue on this way. I had fallen in love with somebody else, and I was leaving."
Denise's response? "I was totally devastated because I hadn't even seen any warning signs, if I want to say that. It was just like a bombshell had been dropped."
Jeff walked out on his wife and three kids, an especially crushing blow to their oldest daughter, who was eight years old at the time.
"I still remember the look on her face and the tears rolling, you know, from the devastation," said Denise. "Because I think in a kid's eyes, the person that Dad should like or love is Mom, not anybody else."
Jeff started the process of filing for divorce. But Denise wasn't ready to accept that. About seven weeks into their separation, in a calm and gentle manner, she actually confronted the other woman, a divorcee, in the parking lot of the woman's workplace.
"After the confrontation, [the other woman] was the one that came to me and said 'Listen. Your wife loves you and wants to work this out. My husband wasn't willing to. You need to at least try,'" said Jeff.
And that was when things started to turn around. With help from their church and Christian counselors, Jeff and Denise reconciled and began to repair their marriage.
"I fought for my marriage, and I'm glad I did," said Denise.
As practicing evangelical Christians, Jeff and Denise spoke often in our interview of the support they received from their church during the process, saying the "sound biblical advice" they got from pastors and counselors was invaluable. At one point, Jeff said two pastors from his church actually tracked him down out of concern when he skipped out on a counseling appointment.
Jeff and Denise believe this can happen in any marriage, and they shared their story with NewsChannel 15 in an effort to warn others.
Longtime counselor Tom Sass confirms that people in his line of work are seeing more and more cases of marriages compromised by social media. He also said that when people do stray on social media, they rarely have an accurate picture of who their new partner really is.
"There is a great tendency to try to live up to what you think everybody thinks of you," said Sass.
Jeff and Denise said they have since drawn some boundaries in their marriage.
"I don't accept friend requests from people in the workplace of the opposite gender," Denise said.
"The other week I had a lunch appointment set up. It was with a woman and it was with someone I had also gone to school with, even though we really didn't talk through school," said Jeff. "But I could see the nervousness in [Denise], so I wound up taking somebody else with me."
Jeff and Denise have a couple final words of warning for couples going through struggles similar to theirs.
"You've got to communicate. If you're struggling, I think the worst thing anybody can do is talk to somebody of the opposite sex," said Denise.
Jeff added, "You will be tempted, so be prepared."
LifeWorks Counseling and Consulting added several other tips for safeguarding marriages when it comes to social media:
-Leaders there recommend you and your
spouse have a joint Facebook account.
-If you're going to have separate accounts on Facebook or any social media, you should share passwords.
-If your spouse is uncomfortable with a certain "friend", it's time to disconnect from that person on social media.
-Make it a family guideline that no one Facebook with anyone not directly known to you.
-If there is ever a situation in which a line has been crossed, the "friend" must go. Otherwise, the risks of distrust and deception are fostered.
Jeff and Denise, who asked not to have their faces shown or last names revealed in our TV interview, got married 12 and a half years ago. The early years, they say, were happy. But in 2009, Jeff -consumed with starting a small business- was working long hours, and problems began to emerge.
"For me, it was the intimacy and the relationship in the bedroom," said Jeff. "It just wasn't there at all. Once a month, if lucky."
Denise added, "There was lack of communication there, too. In a sense, we both went our separate ways. He worked a lot and I was working also and taking care of the kids and taking care of the house, so time together was not there."
About this time, Jeff was reconnecting on Facebook with a woman he'd known in high school.
"You felt like you could tell this woman things you couldn't tell your wife?" NewsChannel 15 asked. "Absolutely," Jeff responded.
"Because that part of your life at this point was shut down?"
"Yeah. I think it's human nature to look back and say 'What if ?'," Jeff continued. "And that's how it progressed. And it just clicked and started going in a direction that it never should have gone."
Two to three months after the chatting started, it had turned into an emotional affair. Though the adultery had not yet turned physical, Jeff and the other woman did start meeting in person, and the attraction only grew stronger. Within weeks, Jeff decided to divorce Denise.
Jeff remembered breaking the news to his wife. "We just sat in here and I told her I was done. I [could not] continue on this way. I had fallen in love with somebody else, and I was leaving."
Denise's response? "I was totally devastated because I hadn't even seen any warning signs, if I want to say that. It was just like a bombshell had been dropped."
Jeff walked out on his wife and three kids, an especially crushing blow to their oldest daughter, who was eight years old at the time.
"I still remember the look on her face and the tears rolling, you know, from the devastation," said Denise. "Because I think in a kid's eyes, the person that Dad should like or love is Mom, not anybody else."
Jeff started the process of filing for divorce. But Denise wasn't ready to accept that. About seven weeks into their separation, in a calm and gentle manner, she actually confronted the other woman, a divorcee, in the parking lot of the woman's workplace.
"After the confrontation, [the other woman] was the one that came to me and said 'Listen. Your wife loves you and wants to work this out. My husband wasn't willing to. You need to at least try,'" said Jeff.
And that was when things started to turn around. With help from their church and Christian counselors, Jeff and Denise reconciled and began to repair their marriage.
"I fought for my marriage, and I'm glad I did," said Denise.
As practicing evangelical Christians, Jeff and Denise spoke often in our interview of the support they received from their church during the process, saying the "sound biblical advice" they got from pastors and counselors was invaluable. At one point, Jeff said two pastors from his church actually tracked him down out of concern when he skipped out on a counseling appointment.
Jeff and Denise believe this can happen in any marriage, and they shared their story with NewsChannel 15 in an effort to warn others.
Longtime counselor Tom Sass confirms that people in his line of work are seeing more and more cases of marriages compromised by social media. He also said that when people do stray on social media, they rarely have an accurate picture of who their new partner really is.
"There is a great tendency to try to live up to what you think everybody thinks of you," said Sass.
Jeff and Denise said they have since drawn some boundaries in their marriage.
"I don't accept friend requests from people in the workplace of the opposite gender," Denise said.
"The other week I had a lunch appointment set up. It was with a woman and it was with someone I had also gone to school with, even though we really didn't talk through school," said Jeff. "But I could see the nervousness in [Denise], so I wound up taking somebody else with me."
Jeff and Denise have a couple final words of warning for couples going through struggles similar to theirs.
"You've got to communicate. If you're struggling, I think the worst thing anybody can do is talk to somebody of the opposite sex," said Denise.
Jeff added, "You will be tempted, so be prepared."
LifeWorks Counseling and Consulting added several other tips for safeguarding marriages when it comes to social media:
-Leaders there recommend you and your
spouse have a joint Facebook account.
-If you're going to have separate accounts on Facebook or any social media, you should share passwords.
-If your spouse is uncomfortable with a certain "friend", it's time to disconnect from that person on social media.
-Make it a family guideline that no one Facebook with anyone not directly known to you.
-If there is ever a situation in which a line has been crossed, the "friend" must go. Otherwise, the risks of distrust and deception are fostered.
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